The Great Pornado Debacle

WORK IN PROGRESS - NOT COMPLETE YET.
NOTE: 2020-07-25 Reality has intruded and spending time creating stuff for xHamster has had to be shelved for the time being. I am uncertain when I will be able to devote some of my energies to this - hopefully before the end of the year.

The morning after Easter, 2020, at about 8:30 AM, our house took a direct hit from an F2 tornado. We were having a moderate thunderstorm when suddenly, without warning, the wind increased to over 100 MPH, windows started breaking (fortunately we have hurricane windows which kept us from being shredded by broken glass). About one minute later it was over. This was the only weather event I have ever been in that was truly frightening.

When initially surveying the damage from inside the house, I looked out into the back yard, where most of the eight-foot tall fence had been flattened, and noticed the unmistakable circular iridescence of DVDs. It took me a moment to put things together in my mind, but then I realized the storage room on the ground level had been compromised without having to see it for myself.

For half of a century I have been accumulating various items to indulge my raging libido, and these were some of perhaps 300 DVDs in my collection - some purchased, some homemade, and some transferred to DVD from VHS. (When I realized we were moving to much smaller quarters, I transferred my entire VHS collection to DVDs over a period of about 12 months since DVDs occupy a small fraction of the space of VHS tapes, not to mention the longevity issue.) Most of my collection was in the storage room.

Oh fuck! How far had those flown? What else was distributed through the neighborhood?

I immediately changed into clothes I could wear in public (I wear either a dress or a skirt and blouse about 95% of the time when I am in my house) and went to see what I could rescue as well as keep it from the prying eyes of the wealthy Repugnantcans that compose the large majority of the residents in my neighborhood and the unrepentant Bible Thumpers that do much of the actual labor.

I had set up four tall shelves in the storage room to hold all sorts of stuff, and about ten boxes of my erotic paraphernalia were stored on the tops of these. The packed collection is shown here prior to the move – there are more boxes behind the ones in the foreground. I think there were 12 or 13 altogether.

When I got downstairs I found that the back wall of the storage room was simply not there any more, half of the front wall was partially out the back, and the remaining part of the front wall had pivoted inward about three feet. The two shelves in the back landed in the back yard, boxes and all, and the two shelves in the front fell over and were at about a 45° angle, resting on other debris but still in the storage area. A couple of boxes of my collection managed to stay in the storage room and were relatively undamaged but the others went into the yard.

Some of the boxes managed to survive the impact with the ground mostly intact, but some burst open and the 100+ MPH wind sent the contents flying. One was blown away completely, and I found it empty and flattened in the jungle about 200 feet away, its contents s**ttered even more widely – more detail below. I found various items as far as about 400 feet away, and in four different neighbors’ yards. What seems strange to me is that the back wall in its entirety (several hundred pounds) was blown well over 100 feet to the back corner of our property whereas the shelves which are relatively light just fell on the ground.

Below is a rough accounting of what got blown into the yard and what survived.







• About 150 magazines, a few very mild (‘soft-core” as they say) but mostly seriously explicit hard core in a variety of genres. For years I have been meaning to scan the best of the photos in these, but never got around to it. The one I probably most regret losing was the issue of Leg Show (not my usual fare and the only issue of that magazine I ever purchased) featuring R. Crumb with various Rubenesque young ladies wearing little to no clothing – it was not salvageable. I found it amongst the downed trees behind one of my neighbors’ houses totally soggy and pretty well mutilated. The majority, however, were still in their boxes but in varying degrees of soggyness. Time will tell how well these fared in the drying process. The photos show almost all of the magazines that got wet, laid out to dry. An interesting feature of the Private Media Group magazines (Private, Triple X, and Pirate shown in top left photo) is that they have two covers. The outer cover is soft-core, sometimes showing bare breasts, but more often not even that. When you flip to the next page there is the real cover, in all its cum-soaked triple penetration (or whatever) glory. I suppose this is so that they can be displayed on mainstream newsstands, at least in some countries.
















• Between 250 and 300 DVDs, about 90 in commercial covers (the latter shown here laid out to finish drying after drying each individual disk and the insides of the covers), but most were in thin “jewel” cases and were homemade or transferred from VHS. The large majority were still in their cases, but quite a few came loose when the case popped open or was broken. Although most were in my yard, they were s**ttered rather widely roughly to the north-east from my house. There were also about a dozen VHS tapes that I just couldn’t part with despite having a DVD copy, but these were not salvageable.





• Loose (in plastic sleeves) individual photos cut from my huge collection (hundreds) of “quickie-mart girlie mags” (Beaver, Club, Small Tops (one of my favorites), Hustler, etc.) as well as from lingerie catalogs. These were the few pictures from each magazine that really appealed to me – perhaps one in fifty made that cut. The magazines themselves were jettisoned many years ago – occupying too much space. Most of the plastic sleeves have dozens of photos in them – not all visible at the same time.
AWith the rise of an effectively infinite supply of free internet porn, my expenditures on porn have dropped to almost zero. The last time I bought a “girlie” magazine at a quickie-mart was in the late 90’s; the last time I bought a hard-core magazine was in the early 2000’s; the last time I bought porn DVDs was in the mid 2010’s, and this was mostly for nostalgic reasons – the fun of purchasing porn in person. After I finally overcame the embarrassment of buying masturbation material in person (back in the 1980s when I lived in California), I would usually add a bit of extra excitement by asking the clerk for assistance in locating some specific uncommon topic – always particularly exciting with female clerks which have become much more common in the last couple of decades. I few things I recall asking for: women with shaved heads (which I find very arousing!); men and/or women fucking sex dolls; crossdressers cumming in their own mouths; men (and to a considerably lesser extent women) sucking cum-covered tits, licking cum-covered pussies, kissing cum-covered faces, sucking cum-covered dicks – it is particularly erotic if the man is forced to do this by his partner rather than doing it willingly; women in overalls; guys cumming in women’s ears (very uncommon); women using men as a urinal, particularly under coercion; men cumming on women’s bras; a guy being jerked to orgasm by one person so that he unloads straight into a third person’s mouth; I could go on… At two porn stores in particular I found the staff to be quite helpful – one in Albuquerque (early 2000s) and one in Stockton, CA. I am rambling…


















• About 100 “underground” comix, mostly sexually explicit. These photos show about a third of the ones I am trying to salvage – some are probably a lost cause.


















• Numerous articles of clothing – mainly feminine undergarments. The first box has mostly bras, panties, teddys, camisoles, etc. The second box has mostly stockings, garter belts, and pantyhose. Neither of these boxes suffered any real damage – one was still under cover and the other was at the edge of the house and still well sealed.



• Sex toys: Dildoes, dolls, latex pussies, etc. Most of my toys were in boxes that remained in the storage room or were already in my bedroom. However, some were in a box that got blown all the way into the jungle behind the lot next door about 150 feet away. The box itself was mutilated and empty when I found it. The contents were s**ttered through the back yard and into the jungle well past where the box landed. I found two dildoes, both realistic with suction cups, one white, one black (shown here after being rescued, cleaned, and sterilized). Both were still in the plastic bags in which they were stored, one about 50 feet away, one about 100 feet away. I believe both of these are shown in action in some of my videos and/or photos. I also found three tubes of lube. (It is an interesting commentary on capitalism that there are three brands shown here – one the “brand name” K-Y Jelly, and two different “store brands”, but they all look incredibly similar – white tube with a blue rectangle containing white lettering plus a little bit of red text.) Also, two rubber pussies, but after an initial rinse I deemed both too disgusting to try to resurrect. In any case one was far too soft and squishy to be effective so no great loss there. I also found a box of disposable latex gloves and a few condoms s**ttered about. The condoms I have for when I am cruising arcades at "adult" emporia; the gloves are typically used to insert my finger in in my companion's ass while I bring him to orgasm in the dimly lit booth.



• Miscellaneous items like condoms, lubricants, adult diapers, “sanitary” supplies. (I have retained a fascination with tampons and napkins from my early teen years when some of my earliest masturbation material comprised ads in women’s magazines for tampons and sanitary pads as well as articles concerning talking to your daughter about menstruation; I was always partial to the belt-type pads – MUCH more erotic and almost impossible to find anymore. I first purchased a box of tampons in a small store in one of the mill villages in my home town where nobody was likely to know me when I was 15.) In the top layer of the box shown here (which was still well-sealed) are two boxes of tampons; two inflatable dolls; a couple of tubes of lubricant; an Oro-Simulator and an Auto-Suck, neither of which worked very well; and on top on the right is a bra stained from about a dozen sessions – I don’t wash it, I just let it dry.

Have you figured out yet that many folks would think I am a pervert?

I very literally lost thousands of dollars of stuff with which I have appeased my lust over the decades. The sad thing is I am reluctant to claim insurance. What do I put on the itemized list?
• 65 copies of Private Media Group magazines (Private, Pirate, and Triple X. (I subscribed to all three for a while many years ago. I also subscribed to the soft-core Small Tops for a couple of years.)
• 85 magazines with titles like Boobie Bangers; the infamous Raunch-O-Rama; Fuck Toy (a real disappointment – the cover shows a man and a woman fucking with an inflatable doll but there is almost no doll action in the magazine); Hard Core Milkers (lactating lovelies sucking and fucking); Jizz Licking Amateurs; Pornoboy; So Round, So Firm, So Fully Packed - my favorite Porn magazine title of all time, and many others.
• 79 DVDs with titles like Fuck My Face, Young and Pansexual, Lesbian Standing 69, Put it in My Pregnant Pussy, Peeing in Public, Girls Who Fuck Guys in the Ass, 2003 Filthy Cumshots, She-Male Hard-Ons, Tiny China Titties, Faces with Braces, Pump My Pink Pussy, the list goes on and on.
• Comix: 13 issues of Horny Biker Slut, 3 issues of She-Male Trouble (I always liked the story wherein the heroines tied two thoroughly obnoxious deputy sheriffs together in 69 and made them suck each other), 7 issues of Tits ‘n Clits, 3 issues of Wendy Whitebread: Undercover Slut, the list goes on…

You get the idea.

Surprisingly a lot of the glossy hard core magazines can be salvaged with minimal damage – particularly those from Private Media Group, although it will be obvious they got wet. I spent much time going through them, separating the pages, laying them out to dry. I also put a good bit of effort into drying and cleaning the DVDs. The ones still in their cases seem to be in generally good shape after drying them off, but only a trial run will tell.

I feel sure I did not find everything – there were large areas that were totally impassable, 20 feet deep with fallen trees. I guess a few people got a thrill if they were paying attention as they cleared out the debris. More than a week after the event, when I finally got around to starting to clear the debris in the jungle behind my row of houses I found a German VHS tape still in the cover though ruined (pissing, pooping, and men and women being made to eat cum – the Germans are frequently seriously kinky) and one loose DVD, Young and Transexual.